i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
