I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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