I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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