Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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