My liver just broke up with me...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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