If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
