textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I need moral support for this bender
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
