Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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