Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
