I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
