Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
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You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.