Your face is a jimmy john
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.