p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
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No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
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The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Two words: blizzard sex
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later