Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.