I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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