I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
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I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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