ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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