I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
