Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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