Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
