she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?