Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
