so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
no you cant smoke seaweed
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.