My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
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Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
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Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.