I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
