if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
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