watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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