I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
