I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
