I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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