I just threw up on my dentist
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
