I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
