if you like me you must not know who I am
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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