I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
