Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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