we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
