I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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