Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
