she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
