Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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