Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
