my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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