Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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