I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
