2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
