Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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