So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
