So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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