apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
