Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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