so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
