Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
