Tell her she can't have a vagina
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
