Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
