Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
