FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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