dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
