It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
