So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My ATM looks so different sober.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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