The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
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